A’s Heavenly Downloads

Shortly after I posted my last piece (Insecurity & Friendship) a couple of weeks ago, I fell into a deep hole of negative emotions and a low mood that felt like the depression I used to suffer from.

I struggled to feel hope. Any joy I felt was short lived as I contended daily with yo-yoing emotions. If I’m honest I may have been feeling a little low even before that post. And achey all over, mostly from slipping down the stairs at my sister’s house a couple of weeks before. 

I can’t say for sure that there was any particular trigger that led me into the depressive hole.I do think that I’ve been through a lot over the past couple of years and perhaps haven’t fully processed all my emotions (if any). Either way, it made me feel like a fraud. Did I genuinely believe all that I had written? If so how could I be feeling this way? Was it all a lie? 

One of the tools I came across last week to combat discouragement was the verse in Philippians 4:8 that reminds us to think about, or meditate on, things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy.So I tried to focus on God, who is all of these things and more, and it worked. For a while. 

Then I tried gratitude – looking back at what  God has done for me, and His blessings, which are far too many to even begin recounting, and being genuinely thankful for it all. For Him. That was good, less abstract. Linking God to what He’s done helped me focus better on who He is and brought His goodness to life for me. I still felt a bit numb though. 

A few days after my post I saw a pop up on the Bible app and received  a separate devotional message encouraging me to share my story and testimony with others. I also came across an article posted in a Christian Radio’s email newsletter and attended an online church service in the evening, which both covered  the power of encouragement through the sharing of testimonies.

I’ve been sharing a few little bits about myself through this blog. Snippets, but not the full story. These four separate promptings were definitely a sign for me to write more,  share more I thought, but I wasn’t sure where to start – the beginning? I tried that before on this blog and ended up going down a different path with my posts. Nevertheless I thought I’d try again to set out my story. In full this time, or maybe over a number of posts once more.

I thought that if, with the Holy Spirit’s help and leading, my story could encourage at least one person to see that God truly exists and is good, loving and kind,  then I will have achieved part of my goal, alongside honouring God. 

So I began writing. I started with my early childhood, my parents and grandparents. My intention was to show how God has been with me and has helped me through various trials and adversity, but i didn’t get that far. I ended up spending a lot of time writing  about negative experiences which, although they were true, were not necessarily, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. I even began to feel a bit resentful towards some of the family members I was writing about and I knew it wasn’t right.

This couldn’t possibly have been what God meant by sharing my story. Could it? He definitely gave me a sign to share my story, and He is always right, so I must have misunderstood something. I wrote a little bit more and then left it. I haven’t been back to that piece since. 

What I did do, on reflection, was share my story, but in a different way to what I initially thought sharing my story entailed, and without giving much thought to what I was doing.

How? I opened up to myself, God and others, and prayed. 

I told God how I was feeling. I was open and honest and as authentic as I could be in the moment. 

I also received prayer from others. 

I spoke with my church auntie and told her how I was feeling emotionally and she prayed for me. That same evening I went  to a church group meeting and received additional prayers for a different aspect of my life, which my church auntie isn’t fully privy to. Those prayers were delivered mostly in tongues. Spiritual prayers.

That was last Saturday, and since then I’ve gradually felt a shift in my emotions and attitude. I have more peace, more joy and others  have commented on my more positive demeanour this week. 

My husband prayed for me too, after I told him about the physical pain I was struggling with. 

By heeding the advice given in my previous post to be vulnerable and open with myself God and others, albeit unintentionally, I helped open up a space for prayer and breakthrough.

God really hears us, He knows us intimately and what we need before we even ask. He also answers prayers according to His will. He’s moving in so many ways to make me – us, whole. Thank you Jesus for making a way for us to experience restoration in this life and the next. 🙏 

“….being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose”. Philippians 2:13 (NIV)